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AIR GUITAR NECK AND OTHER COMPLAINTS ...

Ouch. I mean OOOOOOOWWWWWOOOOOOOOUCH!

I don't know how you are (i hope you are well and ok and happy and all that) but i have been and am still suffering. Okay - so some of it (most of it) was self-inflicted. I do love a spot of thrashing about onstage with my air guitar and Friday's party at Mix saw me stepping up my game massively. I was the headbanger of headbangers. Maybe it was something to do with the skinny jeans - (i do like to take my direction from fashion occasionally). Or maybe it was just because i was ... how should i say ... a little the better for wear but something outside of my body was definitely responsible for telling me that shaking my head like the lead singer of Status Quo for the whole of Nicky Van She and Dangerous Dan's 'Around the World Again' (as genius a reinterpretation of the Daft Punk classic as there ever will be) was A GREAT IDEA. And honestly it was. It was fun and funny at the time. I have, however, been feeling like the progeny of Herman Munster and a critical list car accident victim whose neck has been broken in fifteen places since Saturday morning and it is now Tuesday night.

Blame it in the full moon, but I seem to be on a misbehaving mission. The Mxtronica party in Kazakhstan was case in point. For some reason unknown to me, the Lord of Misrule takes up her sceptre whenever i have a big stage to play around on: the stage in Kazakhstan was rock band sized. Of course i availed myself of the local hooch before, during and throughout my set and vodka being as vodka does, was soon to be found doing a Matrix bullet-time routine, swiftly followed by a musical mood change and some yoga asana inspired choreography, finishing up with a bit of 'break-dancing' for good measure (actually - that wasn't break-dancing: it was a horizontal septuple cherry salko). By the end of my set I was holding court backstage, Being Funny, breaking glasses, doing all my facial party tricks, accidentally snorting a shot of vodka (note to self - don't try the Strasbourg method when you've already had one too many) and generally making a right tit of myself. So, of course, someone had to hand me a microphone and it was good night Vienna. I was soon to be found centrestage doing a full on (I'll be Donny, you can be Marie) two part vocal harmony ad lib with Russian Diva MC VIKA NOVA. The crowd seemed to like it. But then i wouldn't really know as i don't speak Kazakh. No bottles were thrown though and that's a good sign.

Death clearly came swiftly, since i barely remember the journey home from the party (i have it on good advice that i was compos mentis enough to ask the organiser to put my 'do not disturb' sign on the door once he'd delivered me and my records directly from the club (which was incidentally next door to the hotel) and safely to my room) but only really came to consciousness the next morning with my brain fully lobotomised, my head positioned perfectly enough to leave my eye imprints on the toilet seat (thankfully not sick though) and my fully dressed and shoed body toasting in the langoustine position on the comfy, heated bathroom floor. The room was utter carnage, the door was still open and i have vague recollections of having the whirlies after jumping up and down on the hotel bed with my new Prada sunglasses on - in the dark, which explained the size 39 shoe print on the nice white bedlinen. Oh the fun i have on my own. Sad really. Something about this situation is making me feel like Ferris Bueller ... without the red Ferrari.

All i could do the day after was eat and sleep and send pathetic text messages excusing my absence from breakfast, lunch and dinner. I couldn't socialise until my brain was delivered and that wasn't until 9pm the next evening when i was packed and ready to go home.

Since then I have picked up the dreaded winter lurgy thanks to travelling in more mobile doctor's surgeries than is good for me (correct me if I'm out of line but surely it would be better if, at this time of year, planes, trains, metros, taxis and buses operated with their own resident GP on board: it would save the inevitable trip to your doctor and you'd have your prescription at the end of your journey as prevention rather than cure...) So yes, I have been coughing and sneezing like someone attempting to get into the Guinness book of World Records. I HAVE COUGHED SO MUCH THAT I HAVE A CONSTANT HEADACHE! My ribs hurt, my ears keep popping, my nose is wet like a dog's and I'm viewing life through the Vaseline lens of runny eye-itis. I'm really fed up with it. Sad thing is that it doesn't seem to have affected my sense of smell because i could still smell that man's BO on the table behind us at Publicis on Sunday. How unjust is that????

So - i have been shopping for birthday party decorations. Funny how a few bits of tissue paper, paper plates and plastic glasses and some black sugar paper mutates into two chandeliers, astroturf, moss, fake flora and fauna, bags full of interesting hangings, an Alice In Wonderland themed grotto and some twisted interactive installations. This thing has escalated like a natural disaster. It was also only supposed to be one party - a sedate buffet meal and now it's two parties - one sedate, one elegantly wasted with guests from all over the world in attendance and is also heading for a brunch the day after, Mix the evening following and a spot of Cafe Marly on Sunday before my guests leave if it plays its cards right. You're only your age once, so make the most of it. The party is in three weeks - my birthday is in five so get saving. I have expensive tastes. And after today, an overdraft to pay off.

So it's nearly Christmas - and what do I get? A couple of unexpected cancellations for no apparent reason from flaky promoters who couldn't plan their way out of a supermarket checkout and need a good slap. W*** you very much. Looking on the bright side - at least it keeps me hungry. And thin. If you know what i mean.

And whilst my train is running on the rant rails - has anybody got anything positive to say about the DJ Magazine Top 100 chart this year? Don't all shout at once. Not that i want to be seen as DJ Bitter Bitch but DJ Dan (wtf?) above Tiga, Steve Angello, Morillo, Deep Dish, Carl Cox and every international DJ worth his passport and fliers? No eclectic DJs like Gilles Peterson, Norman Jay, Jazzanova ... DJ Magazine - either you have seriously lost it or you are seriously having a turkish. That result is so skewed and divorced from clubbing reality that it is scary.

Another scary clubbing reality - clubbers who don't know how to or just don't want to dance. This is a sickness that is spreading. Don't people know that clubs are made specifically for DANCING TO MUSIC IN PUBLIC WITH OTHER PEOPLE WHO YOU DON'T KNOW AND HAVEN'T MET BEFORE ???? Don't people even practice at home in the privacy of their own bedrooms / mirrors anymore? Either people are so self conscious that they stand around listening making a dead zone in their part of the dance floor or they fling themselves around with such abandon that they scare people off the floor. Come on ... have some respect for the others on the floor and dance (and clap) in time - and in your own space please :-)

Talking about scary realities - the bankruptcy of Intergroove is destined to put yet another nail in the coffin of vinyl releases and sales. It must be getting tougher by the day to run a 'vinyl in the bag' record shop - i wonder how many stores are going to start concentrating on their online shops?

On a brighter note, love him or hate him Alex Ferguson celebrates 20 years managing Manchester United this year: even Arsene Wenger (sworn enemy) has paid tribute. 20 years at the helm of Manchester United and Man U at ..1 in the premiership - it must feel really good to be Alex Ferguson right now, right?

Speaking of Premierships - Chakra in Rouen and Pouchkin in St Etienne were both excellent sessions: so it's time for everyone who was present to run around the room with their top pulled over their head in true celebratory fashion. I will be back!

I am really looking forward to playing close to home at the Gala EISIEE party in Noisy Le Grand this Friday (great flier!) and also Platinum Club in Tunisia. I've started practising my belly dance moves already!

have a wonderful week and whatever you do this weekend, keep it tidy!
xox and light
paulette x

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